I'm Dreaming Until

"To infinity and beyond." - Buzz Lightyear

It's been 28 days since I lost the love of my life.

It was all my fault. I had let my emotion ovewhelm me. I said a lot of things. She chose to let go and let God and time do its thing. I don't know what will happen in the future. Well that's a given. It pains me that there is nothing I can do to make things right now. And maybe, in the future, as soon as God and time completed their thing, there will be nothing more I can do to have her back. Right now, if that will really happen and as part of the pact that I have had with myself, I'm certain that she will be the last woman I'll love. Without her in my life, I'd rather be alone. 

She was my purpose. She was always my goal. I promised myself and God, that I will love her for life. Having said a lot of wrongs and did actions that was not appropriate, since the day I have hurt her until day 28, I hated, despised, and blamed because I had broke my promise that I will take care of her and let her feel the love she deserved. I was stupid, I was careless, I didn't think of the consequences that will emerge from the actions that I didn't even thought of twice.It was not an agreeable happenstance. It was her special day, and of all days, I have chosen that moment to break her heart.

I have learned a lot but it was too late.

I'm trying to be strong. We serve in the same community, meaning there are a lot of instance where I will have to see her. It may sound good from other's perspective, but from mine it was devastating. It's hard that the love you knew can never happen even though I'm with her. Her touch that I was used to will never happen even though she's beside me. The service that I'm so willing to do for, i could not, because there's an invisible wall called freedom that she deserves. Freedom from me. Oh, how I love looking at her smile but it hurts because I know I'm not anymore the reason. She found her joy in her own service. I miss her warm embrace, I miss her lips touching mine. I won't be able to envelop her in my arms anymore. 

I'm like a candle burning at both ends. I have to endure the pain while trying to show everyone I'm fine. The truth of the matter is after the end of each day, I have to face the fact the I'm not and that I'm slowly feeling my demise. I am dying inside because I still love and want to be with her. And as I quote:

"Will you hear my ailing words, will you be my everything? Swiming in reverie, I'm dreaming until. And it's clear, as clear as over. To me you're just a fairytale. When the waltz is over and the lovers die. You could be a lifesaver. Couldn't escape the love we had, couldn't escape the songs we sang. Couldn't we make a space for us and decide that the space for us will burn? Don't say goodbye, will you be always with me? I want to know the truth, I'm dreaming until." - Franco

It sucks to know that of all the people you trusted, you confided, whose decisions you supported, none of them supported you back. Some said that I invested in a dying company. Some said that the hope I was holding on to should've been my exit. Some never really was in favor of me from the onset of the relationship, the relationship that made me so happy. Someone who doesn't really knew me that much personally said that my aura was like I was always victimized. And the harshest thing I learned was I were a parasite. Those things I can let go. Because I never really cared about what others have had to say. The most painful part was learning this fact: Before us, she was longing for love she lost, and because I was there willing to give mine, she just settled for the love that I can give. That she was so stupid because she have let herself prolong the situation. That she was losing herself just so she can love me. 

I could have gotten mad. I could have chosen to end everything once and for all and moved on. But neither of those happened. I felt bad about myself, because I was the cause of her despair. I may have lost hope because I saw how grave the damage I dealt. I may have hated my self more and more because from our first day, 'til the day she finally decided to let go, all the efforts that I did, all the love that I gave, all the changes I made to myself seemed never enough to get credit. I may have lost the will to fight. But my faith in us was stronger. My belief that somehow, someday in the future we can fix everything and get back together was greater than any of the bad things I learned and knew. My love for her was the greatest factor that kept me standing. I may felt tiresome at the end of every day, but my faith in God and my faith in tomorrow gives a boost of strength that I need the day after.

Now I'm letting God do His work. I'm letting time do it's thing. I won't deny that I'm still hoping. That I'm still praying for another chance for our relationship to prosper and our love to grow stronger reaching the love that we both deserve.

"I'm dreaming until." - Franco